Oddly, ‘wowsa’ is a phrase that comes to mind. I really never thought I would use that phrase, yet here I am, still reeling from the effects of last night’s finale – the only finale in this show’s history that actually warrants the phrase ‘the most shocking finale ever’ and all I can think to say is ‘wowsa’.
Well, maybe that and a few other things.
From the moment the cast mates were introduced, I knew we were in for a good time. We’ve got Michael in one corner flailing his arms more than usual and clearly trying to steal the show, the twins over in another corner, who literally were met with silence when introduced – like the applause jutted to a halt when their names were called and then started back up again when moving onto others. And in the middle, all sorts of ridiculousness, from Jaclyn’s neon ruched/ mosquito net cutout dress, to Jamie’s over-accessorizing of her face and so much more.
I’m a little confused, and a lot not a fan of this whole cutout dress business. It just simply isn’t flattering and I’m getting a little bored watching every girl every episode wear some variation or another of the style. Why would you want to wear something that basically creates a shelf for your back rolls and muffin top to sit on? Oh right. Because most of these girls are in their twenties. They haven’t yet experienced the joy of watching your baby weight not disappear, but maneuver itself around to your back side and park itself for eternity. Right.
So we take the obligatory stroll down memory lane and learn a lesson or two about honesty on Bachelor Pad (according to Blakely you have to be a good liar and an honest person – choice words coming from an emotional banana sandwich, and to play the game according to Michael – avoid conversations and if you get stuck having them, lie). Then, the awkwardness sets in.
I was thrilled to learn that Lindzi and Kalon were still together, because let’s face it, they’re still adorable and I still heart Kalon this season. Where Erica came from, with her brand new something (nose? some sort of facial tightening procedure?), I still don’t know, but there she was diapee-peeing all over their parade with accusations of cheating and warnings for Lindzi to heed as the cameraman held his breath so as to capture every moment of Lindzi’s reaction. I actually think Lindzi held her own and didn’t freak out, but that kinda info’s still gotta hurt and I’m sure Kalon will have some ‘splaining to do once the cameras stop rolling. In any case, it’s all part of the plan, and at least if Erica has to be on camera, I will admit that she looks better than before.
Speaking of bitter girls, it’s not long before Jaclyn takes that stage. Now that the show is officially over, it is safe to say that Jaclyn was my favourite girl this season. If Lindzi had spoken once the whole season, maybe I’d feel a bit different, but the fact is, Jaclyn’s a funny chick and tells it like it is, and obviously I gotta admire that. Regardless, I am appalled by her dress and I think it is a bit of a stretch for her to claim that she masterminded the whole show, though I do think had she been given the puppet master’s swivel chair instead of Michael, it would have been better for all of us, because we could have just turned her chair around at our leisure.
Am I sad for Jaclyn and Rachel? Yes. But at the end of the day, as a wise sunburned, 250K richer man once said, ‘it’s about the money, people!’ And the fact is, Jaclyn and Ed would have won the whole thing, hands down. If Jaclyn can’t recognize that, well, that’s just another one of her flaws.
And then there is Blakely and Tony. Sigh. Of course, that segment had to begin with a montage of memories. How can we forget the outfit she first graced us with on episode one – the sparkly pastel sequined pencil skirt, the black booties and the tucked in blouse, or how ridiculous she looked as a 90 year old with pigtails on her trailer – or should I say hometown date with Tony when they ‘fell in love’. It’s no surprise that Tony is still dating Blakely – or as I like to call it – taking out the trash. Of course, I did get a little choked up when Chris Harrison had her in the chair and she was genuinely humbled by the quality of her relationship with a guy who didn’t try to stick a five spot in her G-string as an ice breaker. When Chris asked her ‘what is it about Tony?’, I expected her answer to be the truth – ‘um…that he is actually interested in me?’ but of course she had to go for the stock ‘I can be myself around him and I’ve never been treated this way by anyone’ answer.
When Tony and Blakeley got up to make their ‘big announcement’, her flammable dress barely covering her sagging implants and ass, I was embarrassed for them. You could practically see the words ‘who cares’ written across everyone’s forehead and it’s certainly no shocker that Blakely is packing up her satchel’s worth of belongings on a stick and moving over to Tony’s bachelor pad. And then the big moment of Tony’s proposal – are you kidding me? The look on my face, and for that matter the faces of all the other cast members was the same painful look I vaguely recall people giving me as I was hunched over in labour in an elevator in the hospital with my first child, the epidural just out of reach. Thanks to Neil Lane (because I certainly don’t think Tony the Woodchuck could afford that rock on his own), Blakeley’s dreams come true and she gets a ring and cable in one night. But let’s not forget the real winner here, people – little Tyler, Tony’s son. Thanks to Daddy’s taste in women, he now has a step mom that will probably sleep with one of his friends in about 15 years. But on the flip side, what kid doesn’t want their very own pony, right? So everyone wins in the end.
So, down to business, it’s finally time to bring out the final four. Within a few minutes, Rachel is crying, and justifiably so. I have to admit I was pretty shocked by the turn of events with Michael. I think we all watched Michael in the beginning of the season as he hoped and dreamed to find true love on this show over and above all else. So watching his arrogance as Rachel clearly sat there hurting just wasn’t nice and I expected more from him. I mean the writing is on the wall from the season…we heard him tell her he’s not going anywhere and all that. I would expect this from Chris, but not little Michael.
And then there’s Chris…shock of all shocks, he’s got a chip on his shoulder about how he’s been received for his actions on the show by his friends and family. Somehow, even as he appears to be trying to say he feels bad for his actions, I am still disgusted by him even more and it seems like he’s asking for pity because he’s heard enough of it and blaming the game rather than looking in a mirror. As Chris and Jamie start to get into it, you can see Sarah, who has chosen to remain silent until this point, starting to panic. Chris is sorry Jamie feels that he wouldn’t have made a good father to Ricki from the bottom of the black hole where his heart should be and upon realizing he basically has no friends in the audience anymore, he makes a pitiful plea for Sarah to get the votes.
I think this is pretty much Jamie’s last kick at the can for the night – since up till now, she has made a complete fool of herself, between the rhinestone stickers stuck to her cheekbones that are usually reserved for three year old girls at nail salons to shut them up while their mothers get manicures and the head-dress straight out of the circus. By the time Jaclyn and Blakely finished attacking her for being socially awkward, I expected her to ride off the stage on her elephant. Seriously, who dressed this girl??? What. The. Hell.
Now let’s see…final four…I mentioned Rachel, Chris and Sarah…anyone else up there? Oh right. The guy in the navy socks and black macrame shoes whose legs are spread wider than Blakely’s on a two for one wing night. Let’s just get right to it. It’s no surprise that Nick and Rachel won and good on Jaclyn for being the bigger person and giving her friend the vote. When it was time for Rachel and Nick to make their big decision, I admit in the past, I thought that this whole portion of the show has been ridiculous – how many people would actually keep the money?
And then there was Nick. Despite the important facts that Rachel helped him win the singing competition and the trivia challenge and the fact that he only got votes because his partner was Rachel and she’s the one with friends on the show and the fact that he was thrown into a partnership with Rachel just as much as she was to him, he is still incapable of seeing Rachel’s side of things. Was he technically alone in this game with no alliance? Yes. And did he make the right decision for himself? Hell yes he did. But man, that’s a tough pill to swallow. Clearly he isn’t too concerned about keeping too many lasting friendships that he’s made through this show. He no doubt earned the respect of a ton of the guys on the show and despite Rachel being caught off guard so much that she actually stopped sucking in her stomach and you could see her rolls spilling out of her cutout dress (see!!!) as she literally held back vomit and hyperventilated, he technically did make a pretty awesome move. It’s not like he’d ever be considered for a season of The Bachelor and he certainly wouldn’t be invited back to the Pad so really what does he have to lose? Clearly, all the losing going on tonight, is definitely left with Rachel who might as well have switched networks and ended up on a new version of The Biggest Loser. Shame is all I can say.
I don’t blame Nick for hightailing it out of there as fast as he could, though his treatment of Rachel as she muttered to herself and had an anxiety attack backstage was downright mean. I certainly don’t think he’ll be hitting any after parties with his gym bag in tow any time soon.
And just like that, we’re done and I can honestly say it’s been a great season. I’m looking forward to a few weeks of Bachelor vaca before we’re hit with the first season of Bachelor Canada starting October 3rd that will no doubt be a shamefully delicious (but hopefully not too embarrassing) train wreck and I have to admit I’m kinda nervous as I’ll be sharing my thoughts on that not only through this blog, but also via the Huffington Post – yay me!!! I don’t know if I’m more nervous about having people hate me for writing mean things in such a large forum about people they potentially know or if I’m more nervous about cutting this thing down in length! Either way, I’m up for the challenge and hope you’re right along for the ride with me. And to all my American readers – it’s okay if you want to watch Bachelor Canada. It’ll be our little secret, kay guys??? But if watching our shameful attempt at our own season (our bachelor is an unemployed CFL player – nuf said) isn’t your thing, check back with me in January when the new season of the Bachelor begins. Will it be Sean? Roberto? Chris Harrison himself??? Only time will tell! 
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